March, the culmination of months of preparation. The toiling, the studying, the laboring, all in preparation for this moment. It started in the offseason and ramped up during conference play and now we’re here, on the big stage ready to put on a grand performance. 

I’m talkin bout hatin! The Hater Building has held countless meetings with countless hours of film study and pouring over post-game pressers/crashouts. The storylines, the subtle in-game nuances implicate hate, its all time to put that knowledge in to practice and hate harder than ever before…oh and a championship will be won, but that’s secondary to the hate! Folks, it’s time to get into a Hater’s Guide to March Madness. 

Main Hate: Me vs. UConn. UConn breezed through the Big Least and was rewarded a #1 overall seed which is just a travesty, a sham and a mockery of the game we love. It’s Bam Adebayo’s 83-point game, if you will. We can’t keep letting them get away with this! But in all seriousness, the defending champs come in with the obvious target on their backs as they try to get back to their winning ways and stretch this reigning championship into a dynasty. On an individual level there’s really nothing to hate. Sarah Strong is her, Azzi Fudd is a very pleasant two-way player and the supporting cast adds to an admirable and endearing camaraderie. Then there’s Luigi. He’s in his smug grandpa era and comfortable throwing the rings on the table as an answer to any question, and rightfully so. It still provides a necessary villain to the region. The toppling of the Luiyzantine Empire, if you will. Is some of this brought on by the fact that Greer won the bet last year and had me don a UConn warmup shirt on air? Absolutely. Vengeance will be mine. 

Subhate: Hannah Hidalgo vs. The World. The Russell Westbrook of wbb has been on an tear of epic proportions this season and I expect the heroics to go even harder this March. HilDAWGo has be an absolute menace on both sides of the ball and personal owned Paige Bueckers’ ideation of the UConn Huskies so there’s history there. If HilDAWGo can get them to a matchup with UConn in the Elite 8 that means Hannah’s playing like a woman on fire and I for one wouldn’t want to see that if I’m UConn. It would, however, mean we’d get premium Muffet McGraw hate and I need that more than the air I breath. Aside from that potential matchup, this bracket is full of breakout stars that have the opportunity to stamp themselves on the grandest stage. Including, but not limited to Vanderbilt’s Mikayla Blakes and Ohio State’s Jaloni Cambridge, you have a number of players on a hero’s journey and what better way to solidify yourself as a March legend by defeating the defending champs. It could get wicked. I’m ready. 

Main Hate: So UCLA has picked LSU as their SEC rival and…ok, sure, you know what? Heck yeah. As long as we leave out the Dirty Debutante bit, a meeting in the Elite 8 between the two would be a fun one. Lauren Betts and Flau’jae Johnson both with something to prove after Betts specifically said she wants a piece of the Tigers. Then you have the subplot of Milaysia Fulwiley and I’m locked in at the thought of it. Dancers vs. Rappers with the memes on deck for whoever has to hold that L. 

Subhate: Kim Mulkey. In her media availability after the bracket was released, Mulk was in raw form bursting into song, asking reporters for intel on Jacksonville and just generally being a character. Jacksonville has the opportunity to do the funniest thing to be honest and I, for one, hope they do. We also have a potential Duke vs. LSU matchup and let’s get all the way negative. When we last left off, Flau’jae was woofin at Duke head coach Kara Lawson and to be honest Lawson appeared pretty unbothered. What better way to bother her than to eliminate hate. Johnson is harboring some hurt feelings after being put on the Jayson Tatum minute restriction for Team USA and truthfully, I support the vendetta the same way I did Candace Parker vs. Geno Auriemma. 

Bonus Hate: Coach Yolett McPhee-McCuin vs. social media. Will she stay deleted? Won’t she? It all depends on if she wins to be honest.

Main Hate: Rhode Island vs. the World??? So a few years ago, Rhode Island head coach Tammi Reiss made some comments after Selection Sunday about the bias towards P4 schools, specifically the SEC if I remember correctly. It feels like a complete fever dream because I can’t for the life of me find that clip and neither could Tyler, but we definitely remember it happening which leads me to believe that Tammi Reiss scrubbed the web! In the process of desperately searching for that clip, I did find a few other clips of Reiss being completely unhinged and it leads me to believe that she’s the true villain that March Madness needs. Lets take it back to last month. Reiss apparently grew frustrated with the lack of support from the student body and said she’d go to classes and taunt them asking “are we scholars?” LMFAO WHAT?  To her credit, she saw numbers that somewhat satisfied her and on February 21 she actually thanked the student section. Bullying works. Fast forward to the A-10 championship. Reisse said she was “willing to sell her soul to the devil” to see that confetti fall and it’s like slow down sis maybe just draw up some more halfcourt sets! And finally, we get to the Selection Sunday where she was in an interview with her former Virginia backcourt mate Dawn Staley where she basically said they’re not there to sight see, they’re there to win and they will. I’m so with it and locked in it’s not even funny. Alabama, what are you prepared to do about it? 

Subhate: Tennessee vs. Kim Caldwell. This season has been tumultuous to say the least. What better way to put a cherry on this poop sundae of a season than crashing out and embarrassing your coach in front of God and all of the hoes. Because we all know she’ll get in the presser and match their energy. For the sake of entertainment, go head and everybody lose control. 

Main Hate: South Carolina vs. Iowa was a matchup that made Dawn Staley seek God and Raven Johnson find sanctuary in the nearest gym for an entire summer. That Final Four game sent shockwaves across the nation and altered WBB history forever. I sound dramatic, but it is dramatic because that was the first domino in the culture war we still feel today. Even though we got our lick back on the biggest stage, it’s still beef so big that not even Kate Martin high-fiving A’ja Wilson can squash. Admittidly, a lot has to happen on Iowa’s part for them to meet South Carolina in the Elite 8, but if it happens that means they’re  cooking and dangerous. Is the world ready for another installment of Cocks vs. Corn? No. Would I like to see it happen anyway? Also no. Keep that away from me and my family. 

Subhate: The second round of the tournament will feature either South Carolina vs. Clemson or South Carolina vs. Southern California. On the one hand, an in-state rivalry that always has the threat of fisticuffs looming during football season. On the other, a rematch of the Battle of the Real USC. Such a grand and glorious hate watch either way and I have no choice but to tip my cap to the script writers. 

There’s also a potential South Carolina vs. Oklahoma showdown in the Sweet 16. OU caught us slippin during the regular season and took care of business. This sets the stage for a grand and glorious get back, one in which I will have the pleasure of discussing on air with Tyler in a civil fashion, of course. No trash talking whatsoever. A good time should be had either way. 

Grand Hate: If everyone goes chalk, we’ll get a South Carolina UConn rematch in the Final Four. I repeat, a South Carolina UConn rematch in the Final Four. I don’t even have to set the scene for that. Just be ready to hate, because I will.