A Haters Guide to March Madness

The brackets are out and our resident ethical hater Chauny is here to break down some key matchups that could have be provocative and get the people going.

It’s March. The winter chill is breaking as spring is in the air and if you listen carefully you’ll hear Cinderella in the distance lacing up her hoop shoes. Over the next 2.5 weeks we will witness one of man’s greatest inventions, March Madness, in all of its chaotic glory. At the end of it all someone will be cutting down nets with One Shining Moment playing and depending on who it is, me hating off to the side. But as any old ball coach will tell ya; take it one game at a time. It’s time to break down the regions and the possibilities for hate to manifest itself.

SPOKANE 1 - AN UNDERDOG’S DREAM.

Now this in no way disrespect to UCLA, unless of course you’re a USC Trojan, in which case fight on. This bracket is filled with teams that have garnered a little bit of national buzz over the course of the season, but could really show out and make their names ring in the streets with a deep tourney run. Let’s go over a few.

(Round 1) 10 HARVARD vs. 7 MICHIGAN STATE - The Spartans could let her score and lock everybody else up, or slow her down and lock everybody else up or none of the above and get cooked. Regardless of the strategy, I still like Harvard’s chances at upsetting in the first round.

(Round 1) 6 FLORIDA STATE vs 11 GEORGE MASON - FSU winning the first round obviously wouldn’t be an upset, but what happens next could shock the world if they were to face 3 LSU. Aneesah Morrow and Flau’jae Johnson were both sporting boots during the selection show, but Kim Mulkey did say they’d be good to go for the tournament. Big 4 had already sat out during the SEC Tournament so my money is on FSU. A Sweet 16 matchup is not entirely out of the question for FSU and win is even less farfetched meaning we could see Ta’Niya Latson, friend of NCS, in the Elite 8 showing the world what she does best; get buckets.

(Round 1) 13 GRAND CANYON vs. 4 BAYLOR - Nobody’s having a better postseason than Molly Miller. She’s done an incredible job leading the Lopes to their first ever trip to the NCAA Tournament after securing a regular season and tournament championship. Her name has been in every rumor surrounding the recent head coaching vacancies in the P4 and an upset during the tournament would only make the price of the brick go up. That upset coming at the expense of Baylor would also please the Texas delegation and allow them to fire up the old Slandermobile.

CHAUNY’S PERSONAL HATE TAKE - I need LSU bounced before they even face FSU. I’m still mad at the officiating that helped the Tigers narrowly escape Jackson State a few years ago and as a South Carolina fan I just need their demise in 4K. Nothing personal, but no conference unity over here. Ole Miss still has Quentin Hillsman on staff so they can also go to hell expeditiously. If you don’t understand why simply google his name and Syracuse and report back.

BIRMINGHAM 1 - COCKS REVENGE!

Doubt us. The rest of the world already does so why don’t you do the same? No but seriously Dawn Staley was super miffed after not receiving the overall number one seed and if you look on social media that upset a lot of people who felt they got a move favorable bracket to go with the seed. So now we have the perfect storm of a pissed off Gamecock team and an audience praying on their downfall. Let the stronger hate win.

(Round 1) 13 Norfolk State vs 4 Maryland - As a Hampton grad I pause my hate for NSWho? as I do every year because HBCU love is stronger than the rivalry. The Spartans capped off an incredible season and earned an unprecedented 13 seed, the highest in program history, and honestly the selection committee didn’t piss me off. They have a long history of giving the HBCU’s crap seeding as NSU and previously Howard were rewarded with South Carolina a few years back, but this year showed a tad bit of progress. Maybe next year the MEAC/SWAC can become two-bid conferences. A girl can dream. Maryland is a bit vulnerable at the moment with Shyanne Sellers returning from injury and Bri McDaniel still out for the season. This means Diamond Johnson and Meme Wheeler have the chance to etch their names in stone forever by taking advantage and getting NSU out the first round. Either Green Bay, a team they lost to by one earlier this season or Alabama awaits them should they win and truthfully…I think they could beat either and we could see an HBCU in the Sweet 16. Behold the Green and Gold indeed.

(Round 3) NORTH CAROLINA vs. 2 DUKE - Now both teams would have to take care of a couple of rounds of business in order for this rematch to take place, but then they can restore the feeling with a good old-fashioned Hatefest because what’s better than a rivalry game? A rivalry game during the Sweet 16! Should UNC make a wicked run to the Elite 8, they’d face South Carolina and there’s always a little extra space in those March matchups so let the Carolinas Duke it out! That’s called mf bars.

CHAUNY’S PERSONAL HATE TAKE - Slack Mamba’s been getting on my nerves for years and it’s Kelly Graves’ fault for unleashing her brand of mid into the world. For that he, and in turn Oregon, must pay. We also want to see Mikayla Blakes absolutely ball out for Vanderbilt. Anchors down always.

SPOKANE 2 - THE HAILEY VAN LITH BRACKET!

Folks it is with great joy that I type this next part. All throughout the show I wondered where TCU would be placed and what potential shenanigans the selection committee scheduled, and they delivered in a major way. My fav, Hailey Van Lith, has beef with minimum three teams in this region and could possibly start something with the rest if she puts her mind to it. So I’m going to give you guys some lore real quick.

(Round 2) 2 TCU vs 7 LOUISVILLE - Folks we could get mess right out the gate if both teams take care of their first round opponents. HVL spent the first three years of her career at Louisville and made several ACC enemies as well as a couple deep runs with the Cardinals. Facing her old team was on the table last year with HVL was with LSU, but Louisville didn’t hold up their end of the bargain by beating Middle Tennessee. This year the cameras were not on in Fort Worth, so we didn’t get to see HVL’s reaction or prediction like we did last year. Which is incredibly wack.

(Round 3) 2 TCU vs 3 NOTRE DAME - Ok so remember those ACC enemies I told you about? Notre Dame was one of them and if they get their act together they could meet TCU in the Sweet 16. HVL had a glorious moment trolling Skylar Diggins-Smith during a particularly empathic beat down of the wounded Fighting Irish and it was captured by the Louisville social media team. Unfortunately Louisville admin had nerves of noodles and caved, deleting the tweet. But not before I screenshotted it in my brain. She’s already faced them this year and got the dub so if anything should motivate an ND team that limped into the tournament, getting back at HVL should. I’m absolutely giddy at the thought.

OTHER NOTABLE HATE - Ohio State’s Cotie McMahon has been on a tear lately, just hating rapidly and randomly. I would like that to continue. I enjoy that energy and hope she finds new and worthy targets. William and Mary is in the tournament after making an absolutely improbable run in the CAA tournament that probably pissed some people off. Look for them to continue doing that…the pissing people off part.

CHAUNY’S PERSONAL HATE TAKE - No notes. This section is already deeply negative and going to be my favorite to watch.

BIRMINGHAM 2 - DEJA VU!

We’re reheating some nachos in this bracket as Iowa, UConn and USC are back near each other after giving us theatrics last year. Truthfully I wish all three could play in one game and fight like that Captain America scene where Bucky, Captain America and Iron Man are all fighting.

(Rounds 1-?) 1 USC vs. EVERYBODY - West coast USC’s head coach Lindsey Gottlieb said feels disrespected despite getting a one seed. I think that means she’s going to unleash the JuJu. I hope that means she unleashes the JuJu. A Trojan team with a chip on their shoulder meeting a UConn team in the Elite 8 with Paige Bueckers on her last try for a natty would be absolute cinema. Conversely, if the Trojans come up short, Lindsey’s getting called Compton Christie Sides again. I don’t make the rules, sorry.

(Round 3) 3 Oklahoma vs 5 Kansas State - This would be an alternative Elite 8 matchup. Do I think it’s going to happen? No. Would I pass up the opportunity to remind Tyler Ayoka Lee once dropped 61 on OU’s noggin? Also no.

CHAUNY’S PERSONAL HATE TAKE - I can’t take UConn and the New York Liberty winning in the same year. I literally have done nothing to deserve that and need that to not happen. Speaking of Liberty, the school sucks too. I don’t like the cut of their gib and need them bounced immediately.